fuck i’m starting to think that i actually have a problem and that in itself is kind of difficult to deal with too. but like, maybe it really isn’t yknow? Just usual me, blowing things out of proportions and making excuses for myself. But just fuck me la i’m worried because i can’t be carrying this dumb problem into capitalistic work world!!!

i dare dream. only what my eyeline sees.

//

what about, the purple hints of possibility

the things that lay behind these cotton candy clouds, and

the person that lies beyond this present frame ?

//

for the miles and miles that light travels

from there to here

so too i wish, me to you

2: for you alone

” You are the peace that guards my heart

My help in times of need

You are the hope that leads me on

And brings me to my knees “

 

 

Oh darn how i wish these words true. It’s so difficult to have my emotions under control and have my gaze fixed on the one who sustains me. I crawl around looking for peace in many other places, afraid to really be quiet and left alone to myself. Keep your mind busy ! Escape the uncomfortable thought that you are uncomfortable with yourself ! 

But I also know that I have to be still, lean into the sufficiency that is God’s mercy and grace and I’d probably just be alright. so so tough )-:

nonetheless, i am thankful for all the support i got today from ginzos and from my mama. its nice to not fear judgement from people around haha.

thirteen: struggling

Going through the older posts and it showed how even 4 years ago (link above) I was done with myself already and here we are in 2019 haha. The sentiment is almost the same recently HAHA some minor differences but it’s shockinggg. The funny thing is that my whole blog is filled with many posts of the same thing + my bad work habits and if not for the sake of differentiation, every one of them would be titled ‘same old same old’ HAHAHA sighhhhhhh and they all start with ‘it’s been awhile’ LOL. am i really 22 this year?

For all the negativity though, going through the old stuff reminded me of two occasions where words have been spoken over my life and unwittingly, it seems like I will be returning to and carrying those two things out more. Not to be all cryptic HAHA but I’m just not ready to speak it out into the world again lol. We’ll see how it goes…

lost

 

When everything was broken
The devil hit his second stride
But you remember what I told you
Someday, I’ll need your spine to hide behind
For fear of moments stolen
I don’t wanna say goodnight
But I’ll still see you in the morning
Still know your heart and still know both your eyes

I could have told you ‘bout the long nights
How no one loves the birds that don’t rise
So you can tell the heroes go hide
My sense of wonder’s just a little tired

a new re-beginning: 1

Going off the socials for a bit and so I’m channelling my thoughts and stuff here instead again. Not sure how long this will last to be honest but I am hoping to post something everyday or so, be it a little verse, good thought, bad thought, or worship session. It’s probably going to be a lot of the songs bit HAHA.

Was listening to a bunch of bethel videos and this song played and as usual it just tingles in my heart whenever I hear it. It reminds me of a time when I was truly seeking, optimistic, and… Young ? So yea I just had to sit down … decided to record it and remind myself down the line of the songs that I have sung and that have ministered and brought me through this barren little season. Videos are uncut and include all the voice breaks, poor runs and weird melody choices I decide to take haha. just raw me ? If I’ve decided to share this and someone else is reading this post… You don’t really have to listen lol or you can just put it in the background or worship a little with me (=

That’s it from the first post of whatever this is. Figuring out as I go along hehe.

Cheers

Thirty-Six: a language between God and you

God truly knows you best.

At the funeral, the pastor shared how she felt a prompting to sing a Cantonese song in their service although they usually only sang Mandarin songs. It turned out to be the last service that Gabby’s granny attended. Of which nobody would’ve known considering how sudden the death was despite her advanced age. Honestly though, just so beautiful that she got to hear and connect with a song and maybe sing it in the last service she went to. There really is something about your heart’s language and since that is her first language, that image is just so beautiful. That God knows everything and is sovereign. He plans things beautifully and holds you in his hands. From the small to the big things in your life. So trust, and give your whole life over to the perfect one.

Thirty-Five: On photography as ministry

A little fun tidbit during camp was when Elder Ee Yang shared a photograph of him during his commencement and talked about how it looked to him that God was looking down on him and taking care of him. This was interesting because it showed me a new way of thinking about photography. That photos can be to show what God sees also and as much as they are aesthetically pleasing, good photos tell a story and in this case, perhaps I can be looking to see what God is saying. What God is looking to reveal. That going out on photo missions can also be a way of spending time with God and looking to hear what he is saying to me and looking to reveal. That when I look through the lens at different subjects it would be similar to God’s. In this way photos don’t merely please the eye but also come to life. The process then also doesn’t just end with gratifying an audience or with the approval from peers that it was pretty but engages my spirit and instead looks to spur others on to the creator.

I had never really thought of photos being a way of communicating a truth or something of God, instead focusing on the techniques and skills to accomplish a cool photo. Sure I’d sometimes try to find the story but I would say by and large, the focus was not on what the photo communicated and its intent. Interesting to think about and with even more gravitas when used to showcase God’s glory, his truths and words.

SENT2018 Reflections (IG Ver.)

SENT 2018 was truly a roller-coaster ride but here are several things that I’m reminded of and have learnt:

1) it matters not what man plans but what God intends.

– upon reflection I realised I was held back with many doubts about my nomination into the committee as an ops head. Did these people really know me well enough to think that I would have this skill set? It seemed like a back-up plan. Maybe they really didn’t have anyone else already so they asked me? I unknowingly held onto these doubts and thoughts for so long that my attitude was so trashy lol (but that’s for another point). I forgot that it was a privilege alone to take part in God’s plan and he doesn’t even need me as a backup to do whatever he wants to do with his people. 2nd/3rd/4th/nth choice I was didn’t matter. God uses all of us simply as we come and simply as we avail ourselves. There is no competition as is in the human world. There is no fight to prove myself to anyone, even God, for I am already justified by grace through faith in Christ (lol God knows we be doomed if we tried to prove ourselves to him haha).

//

2) hands that are willing to serve and a heart that is subject to the interest of God

– in the midst of assignments to be submitted and finals to be taken, I was incredibly selfish in my attitude, forgetting the initial goal of serving the Lord, His church and my family. I was reluctant to take on additional responsibilities that came along and the stuff I had to do because “it wasn’t what I signed up for” and the job description caused me a lot of headaches on what I was supposed to do lol. In this period it was really stretching and when the ugly side of me began to show as well. my attitude and heart towards service was being challenged and with my lips I expressed it needed to change but it was difficult to really sit, reflect and repent. My heart was still indignant. By God’s grace, Tammy came along and her spirit of excellence and concurrent consideration for people among other stellar things modelled and sparked something in me. It wasn’t even a conscious decision on my part I think. I was just pulled into such an orbit and in this way God answered my weak prayers…

//

3) everyone a precious child of God and literal brothers and sisters I will see for eternity

– as part of my general lethargy, forgotten aim to contribute to the Church and short-sightedness on community, I invested little energy into the weekly meetings and sharing sessions I had with the comm. Granted, it all coincided with a season where I felt a need to retreat and to share less. However, I was also emotionally detached and disinterested in their lives, doing little to build up this community and simply waiting for the moment I could leave and get back to all the other things that needed to be done. I saw little practical value in these sharings, feeling that people have cells for that and we’d never be as close anyway. What a joke I am hahahaha.. I did not bear the fruits of the spirit. I was not loving, joyful, forbearing, kind, faithful nor gentle. I forgot that these people are precious children of God and literal brothers and sisters in my eternal community. Forgot that I too am called to be a disciple-maker, an iron to sharpen iron and to be sharpened by others.

//

In the end, I’m so thankful for this experience and grateful for things to come around and the new friends I’ve made. I feel much more connected to the church and that’s kinda important because otherwise it increasingly seems like a building and not the body of Christ. Recently, I’ve been thinking really granular when it comes to the Church, and while it’s still really important for each part to play their part lol, it’s still important to pay attention to the macro-level seeing as i am not just a part of my cell but also indeed, a part of Riverlife Church (which itself is within an even larger context of Singapore, so on and so forth..)

ok lol the end.

Romans 8:5-11: i am set free into life and peace

5 For ^r those who live according to the flesh set their minds on ^s the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on ^t the things of the Spirit. 6 For to set ^u the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. 7 For the mind that is set on the flesh is ^v hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; ^w indeed, it cannot. 8 Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

9 You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact ^x the Spirit of God dwells in you. ^y Anyone who does not have ^z the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. 10 But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. 11 If the Spirit of ^a him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus⁴ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies ^b through his Spirit who dwells in you.

Finer points: sitting in our suffering

God sits with us in our suffering. Am I looking away too like the Jews because I was looking for a God to remove my suffering?

God’s greatest loss would become his greatest gain in us, broken us. Jesus chose our story of brokenness so we can choose his of righteousness.

We stand in a reality where God has paid the price for us and our mess. Where he meets us and shares in our suffering.